Placement test

Tests. Who really likes them? Seriously, besides the teachers who get a momentary respite from a classroom of rowdy teenagers, who? Tests represent the possibility that the boy sitting next to you who smokes copious amounts of pot and has never opened a textbook will get a better score than you after a week of intensive study and record levels of diet coke intake. And with that possibility comes the flicker of doubt that you are indeed in possession of superior brainpower than the early hominid.

Despite my obvious dislike of the practice, I’ve always done well at tests, probably as a result of my high level of anxiety surrounding them. I remember getting up at four in the morning on a test day in high school because I had fallen asleep on the floor surrounded by books desperate for a few more precious minutes to make sure the economic reasons for the U.S. Civil War were firmly etched on my brain. I’m quite capable of making myself sick over an exam. SAT’s, GRE’s, anything with three letters and I’m guaranteed at least one week of nightmares where all my teeth fall out, or I get to school and realize – oops – I forgot to put clothes on that morning.

Which is why I expected to be nervous when I walked into the room to take a French placement test at a language center in Geneva. Even with 7 months of 3-day a week classes in New York City leading up to our move abroad the old familiar feeling was still there. These kind of nerves create two opposite reactions in me: I’m either inclined to make desperate jokes followed by a laugh that could be classified as “deranged turkey gobbling”, or I get extremely silent, and my speech becomes reminiscent of the way dogs must think. “Yes, uhhhh, no. yes. no. huh? Bone? Yes! wag. wag wag wag wag. Huh? uhhhh, yes yes yes yes, no… huh?”

The second one got the better of me that morning. The administrator giving the exam came around to each student, correcting their written exam and doing the oral evaluation at the same time. With each red mark my self-esteem shrank, until it disappeared into my left sock where it permanently installed itself after I posted my shameful status on Facebook. I couldn’t form a complete sentence, much less answer a question like ‘why are you taking class right now?” Uh…because I’m in a French-speaking country? That would take sarcasm, which was buried in my right sock along with irony and humor. The examiner’s questions continued to burn a blazing “A” in my forehead – for the orifice on my body that was constricting the fastest. “How long have you been here? Have you taken French before? Are you working here? Why do you not speak better French?” To which I answered: One week. Yes, for 8 weeks (the 7 months never had a chance…). No, not yet. And whoa….! What did you just ask me? Why didn’t I speak better French?

I must have had a first-class idiot’s look on my face after her last question, because she shook her head, mumbled something about my lack of knowledge, and wrote the level of class I would be in on my top of my test – somewhere between 1^st and second grade French. As I sat there in shock, I looked around and tuned into the rest of the classroom. There, to my right, was a Russian man in mid-correction who seemed to be receiving an even larger dose of judgment that I had. And in front of me a mother and her 10 year old son were being grilled on why the boy didn’t know the subjunctive tense yet. This was astounding. Here was a room of ex-pats voluntarily subjecting themselves to certain humiliation, and were getting thanked for it with a healthy ego-flagellation and a dressing-down equal to that of an army recruit private first class.

I left the room in a daze, determined to tell everyone I knew about the disgraceful behavior I had just witnessed. My self-righteousness having taken over when rational thought, intelligent speech and humility had joined the rest of my positive traits in my socks, I huffed and puffed my way home, shooting daggers from my eyes at every French speaker I saw. The world was out to get me…carrying baguettes and drinking espresso.

A week later I checked my Facebook page, and saw that a friend had read my snarky comment and had made one of her own:

“Learn how to say ‘Bite me’ in French, German and Italian.”

Vous me cassez les pieds! Halt die Fresse! Smettila!

Best. Advice. Ever.

Vous êtes disponible?

Two months in a foreign country – check. Grasp of general location a map – check. Realization that this is not just a bad dream – check.

Geneva had been my new home for a sum total of 54 days, and things were starting to click. My French was improving, my confidence slowly emerging from its hiding place in my socks, and I was armed with enough vocabulary to feed myself, get un-lost, and apologize for being American. Which all seemed rather timely, given that this week I actually had a reason to venture out alone into this brave new world to test my fledgling chutzpah. I needed some technical support – stat. Apparently I was the only foreign email-owning expat in Switzerland who wants to use their iPhone for more than a calculator. After several unsuccessful attempts at receiving email, I had tried calling Swisscom and Mac’s own customer service line, or at least my husband had, the “French for the Telephone” course not having been created yet. And still…rien, nada, zilch. I was having serious New Yorker Smartphone addiction withdrawal. And today I was going to solve the problem, or check myself into rehab. I needed to go to the holiest of holies, the Genius Bar at the Mac store on Les Rues-Basses.

I walked into the Mac store and headed to the Genius Bar, which looked comfortingly familiar at first glance. The same color-coded employees, the rows of user-friendly Mac products, the lack of service lines that drives New Yorkers crazy, but works in a place like Switzerland, where no one minds because they don’t notice anyone else there to begin with, and therefore are completely content in the knowledge they will be helped next.

I was instantly greeted by a cheerful looking young woman in dark blue. Excellent - everything was falling into place – and so I spoke. “This is my first female iPhone. My email is strange. I need familiar you to help because it no work.” Brilliant. I was brilliant! The helpful genius lady must have been astounded by my grasp of her language, because she nodded at me for a few seconds with her mouth hanging open and then apparently decided I was on her genius level and could handle adding another word to my vocabulary. “Configurer?” She said, eyebrows raised, hopeful. Configurer…hmmm…difficult one…oh! Configure! Yes, I need help to configure! I felt a genius bond forming between us, and grinned like an idiot to express my gratitude.

She grinned back – proof of the bond – and pointed across the store while saying “chemises bleues claires.” Ah ha! Chemises = shirts, bleue = blue, claire = light…Light blue shirts! It was like a treasure hunt where all the clues were easy! I was to wait for a representative in a light blue shirt to help me “configurer,” and I couldn’t be happier. I thanked my fellow genius lady and stepped across the store, my confidence now riding high on top of my head, which had suddenly tripled in size.

I zeroed in on my target and set about waiting for a young man sporting a color no straight man would ever wear. The customer before me wanted to know how to purchase a gift card – yawn – and I was getting antsy in anticipation of using my new vocabulary word. A New Yorker’s definition of waiting is very specific, and involves standing just close enough to hear every word spoken, but never making direct contact. Staring just left of someone’s ear is allowed, as well as sighing and shifting your weight more often than necessary. I also find it helpful to make quick, annoyed eye contact every once in a while to make sure he knows you’re waiting. I have perfected this technique. Hey, you can take the girl out of New York…

But after 5 minutes of shifting, the young man said “Bonne journée” to the gift card guy and turned to me. I was ready: “Vous êtes disponible?” I had heard it before, and hadn’t bothered to check it with my husband so confident I was of my newly minted skills as a multi-lingual American. The intention was sound – are you available? – I was the picture of poise, an angel of polite conversation, so kind as to ask before assuming. Because we know what you and me do when we assume…

But the proverbial ass was not listening. El burro was not even in the room and had just set out for the border laughing his donkey behind off, because with my head the size of a watermelon I had neglected to check on the meaning of three words that had just made up my first French proposition. “Vous êtes disponible?” means “Are you free?” and not just for tea and crumpets. Apparently I was more fluent than I thought…and should look into buying stock for hotels that rent by the hour.

I guess I should mention that he didn’t accept. I do happen to have a ring on my left hand, although after reading this, my husband may decide he’s always wanted to live in Botswana. And I gather from my accent the young man in light blue quickly realized I wasn’t interested in some sort of extramarital affair. What he did do, however, after I stumbled awkwardly over sentences containing enough negatives to create a positive, and cursed out loud each time I put a subject-verb combination together wrong, was gently tell me how nice it was to hear an American speak French, even in the figurative sense. Our conversation quickly went from technical to more personal, and I realized here was someone actually appreciating my feeble attempt at communicating. He told me that since English is common in Geneva, most Anglophones walk in and ask their question in English, without attempting the translated version. As if on cue, a lovely woman walked up and announced she couldn’t get any help, and needed assistance picking out headphones. He pointed her in the right direction with a mention he’d be there shortly, turned back to me and with a raised eyebrow, said “Voilà.”

“Voilà.” Conjugated as far as I was concerned as, “You see?” And I did. I thanked the young man for his help and kind words and left, feeling much better about myself and wondering if I shouldn’t really buy stock in those hotel rooms. I am, after all, a genius.